I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I have aggressive nipples.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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