I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
