I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
