What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
