Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
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I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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