so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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