then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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