were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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