Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
