whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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