her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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