this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
