she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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