a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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