Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
