He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
you're hired as official boob wrangler
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
