dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
