And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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