drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
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He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
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So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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