I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
