I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Let's paint friendship bongs
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
