did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
