We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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