How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
