Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
