she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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