wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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