the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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