Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
