I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
