I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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