Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
