I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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