mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
