Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
