you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
