When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
