Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
