My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
