A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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