why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
