Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
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They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize