It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
