there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
