my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
