Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
