my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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