i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
