Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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