After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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