i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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