Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
