forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
