I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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