what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
