My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We left an ass print on the piano.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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