the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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