Too much gin, very little bucket
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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