I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
If I die, sorry about rent.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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